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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28145985">Numbers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seventypercentstupid/pseuds/Seventypercentstupid'>Seventypercentstupid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ethan Ramsey one shots [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Open Heart (Visual Novels)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Sad Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:21:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,285</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28145985</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seventypercentstupid/pseuds/Seventypercentstupid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ethan and MC’s journey told in twelve parts</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ethan Ramsey one shots [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2061900</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Numbers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>One</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s how old she was when her father left. Her mother knew that he was never going to stay, but that didn’t stop her from breaking down every night for 3 months when she thought her beloved daughter had fallen asleep, when instead she lay awake, wondering what could have happened to make her mother hide her sadness every day, only letting her walls come down when she thought nobody was watching. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t understand much beyond that, just knowing that her dear old dad had left for a pack of cigarettes and milk, but left behind only a stack of legal papers on the counter while her mother had gone off to work, desperate to give her baby girl the best life she could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Two</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The number of people in her family. She and her mom, her mom and her. It was just the two of them, or at least that’s what her mother told her every time she asked. She was fine with that, she loved her mother with all her little heart. She didn’t need anybody else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her mom had found a job in Providence, a job that could support both of them, and an apartment that had a reasonable rent. She was scared at first, moving to a “big city”, but her mom assured her that it was a kingdom, and she was the princess. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Three</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the number of bracelets she had gotten for her fifth birthday. She and her mom had been walking downtown, running some errands, when they walked past a jewelry store and saw the set of three bracelets in the store window.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had asked her mom if she could have them, even resorting to using her best puppy dog eyes in an attempt to persuade her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her mom had told her that they were too expensive, and they didn’t have enough money to buy them. She was disappointed, sulking the rest of the way home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>3 weeks later, her mom returned to the jewelry store, spending almost a month's worth of her salary to buy that special set of bracelets for her daughter. She was beyond excited when she woke up on her birthday and saw that bright pink box next to her bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She started showing off those prized possessions of hers to all her friends at school. One was gold with a diamond charm, the other was silver with a ruby charm. The last was bronze with a deep sapphire charm. The bronze one was her favourite, even after Derek Reagan said it was ugly. She told Derek that he was ugly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Four</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the grade she was in when she met him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a usual Monday, she was rushing through some unfinished homework when Mr. Kingston, her teacher entered, accompanied by a boy who looked just a little taller than her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Turns out it was a new student, transferring from another school that had just closed down. He was wearing a blue button-down, a big difference from the rest of the boys in her class whose t-shirts were either dinosaurs, or cars, or superheroes. He introduced himself as Ethan Jonah Ramsey while the rest of the class stared blankly at him, before returning to their own friends. Mr. Kingston assigned him to the seat next to her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Eefen Jonah!” She waved excitedly at him as he sat down next to her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My name is Ethan, Jonah is my middle name,” he corrected.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She made a small ‘o’ with her mouth, thinking for a short while before responding, “I prefer Eef,” she smiled, making him blush slightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She took a container out of her bag, opening it to reveal large apple slices. She took one in each hand, careful not to let them slip as she turned back towards him, offering the slice in her left hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He slowly took one and smiled, “thanks,” he said when he noticed the set of sparkly jewelry on her wrist, “I like your bracelets.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Five</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s how many people were in her friend group by middle school.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>First, there was Jackie Varma. She thought Jackie was a little mean when she first met her, she always picked fights with everyone. But she soon learned that she was only mean to people she didn’t like, and she even called Derek stupid when he was mean to her. She asked Jackie if she wanted to have lunch with her after that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Next was Sienna Trinh. She was nice to everyone, and her first friend at school. She always shared her food, usually sweet treats, with everyone in class, even when Jackie was convinced they were poisonous, she never stopped radiating her positivity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bryce Lahela was a flirt. And rightfully so, as every girl in her class had a crush on him. Every girl except her. Bryce was convinced he knew the reason why, and voiced his opinion every chance he got, “she doesn’t have a crush on me because she’s in love with Ramsey, that’s the only reason.”</span>
</p>
<p>She would always blush when he said that, which was often seeing how he and Jackie bickered daily about it. Yes, she and Ethan had been best friends since fourth grade. Yet that was all they were. Best friends, never venturing out of that sacred zone. </p>
<p>
  <span>And then there was Ramsey himself. He had gotten tall, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>tall. He was easily the tallest of the group, while she was one of the shortest, barely taller than Sienna. He was a bit gangly and awkward, sometimes very quiet as well, but he was her best friend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Six</strong>
</p>
<p>That was the day of the month Ethan was born.</p>
<p>
  <span>He was turning fifteen, and begged his dad for money instead of his usual books. His dad thought it was strange, as reading had quickly become one of his favorite pastimes, but waved it off as typical teenager behaviour. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A couple days before, she had lost her treasured bracelets. She had taken them off during art class, careful not to spill paint and ruined her favourite set of jewelry. She had rushed off after class because she wanted to get the cafeteria pizza while it was still fresh and hot for all her friends, and accidentally left the bracelets behind. When she came back to get them after lunch, however, they were gone. She cried for the first time in what felt like forever. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ethan’s dad had done what he had asked of him, giving him cash for his birthday. Upon receiving his present, he rushed up to his room and took his box of savings out from the top of his closet, almost falling off the chair he was climbing to get them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hurriedly counted up all his money, adding to the amount he had been saving, ecstatic when he realised he had a little more than what he needed. He quickly ran out, wallet in hand, barely able to tell his dad that he was going out as he sprinted out the front door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He finally made it to the jewelry store that, after much research, he knew carried the same set of bracelets as the ones his best friend had lost. The attendant asked what a young man like himself was doing buying such an expensive set of jewelry, teasing about if using all his hard-earned cash by doing extra chores was really worth it for a girl. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smiled widely, heart racing from the sprint over, but nodded rapidly, forking over the money he had planned to use to buy a new set of books. When he got home, he put the shiny new bracelets in a box, doing his best to wrap them in bright red wrapping paper, her favourite colour. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At school the next day, he got in early and slipped the box into her desk drawer before she arrived. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eef,” that’s what she called him when she was excited, “you won’t believe what I found!” she squealed to him after class.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She told him all about the bracelets she found at her desk, while he smiled and nodded, telling her he was happy for her. Jackie made eye contact with him and gave him a knowing look, his eyes darting around the room when he realised, but she didn’t say a word about it after that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Seven</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The number of med schools she applied to. They all applied to med schools. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She applied to Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Princeton, Brown, NYU, and Johns Hopkins.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was accepted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>all </span>
  </em>
  <span>of them, which was more than impressive. Her mother had never been prouder of her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ethan never told her, but he applied to the same schools as her, all seven. He got into all of them except Harvard, so hoped to every powerful being up beyond the night sky that she wouldn’t accept their invitation. He wasn’t ready to lose her, not yet, maybe not ever. </span>
</p>
<p>After spending countless coffee-fueled nights sorting through and weighing the pros and cons of each school, she finally decided on Johns Hopkins. Ethan did too, after he determined that they had the best professors there. At least, that’s what he told her when she asked how he decided.</p>
<p>
  <span>Sienna, one of her closer friends in the group, was her shoulder to cry on if Ethan wasn’t around, which was rare but had happened a couple times throughout the years. Sienna decided to go to Princeton, along with her boyfriend, Wayne, or was it Dwayne? Nobody really knew as he never bothered to show up most of the time when they reluctantly invited him per Sienna’s request.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of their friend group split up, each going to a different med school. They made a pact one drunken night the summer before they all headed out to med schools all across the country. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They promised to meet up every chance they could, even if it meant driving in the middle of the night through storm and snow. Jackie insisted it was way too cheesy when Sienna half sobbed, half stated it while they sat on Bryce’s rooftop, bottles of alcohol and snacks surrounding them, but in the end, the tears made Jackie agree. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ethan helped her pack for college, something she assured him she could easily do herself but he insisted anyway. He helped move her things into her dorm, something he hadn’t yet done for himself yet but he didn’t care. They met her roommate, Grace Young, who upon first seeing them, mistakenly assumed they were dating. She quickly corrected Grace, properly introducing Ethan as her best friend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><strong>Eight</strong> </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s the number of years it took for Ethan to realise he was in love with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why it had taken him so long, he didn’t have a single clue. He should’ve realised it sooner, but now he couldn’t not see it. Ethan was completely sure he was mind-blowingly in love with her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why hadn’t he noticed the first day he met her, when she immediately shared her apple slices with him, making him feel welcome and accepted unlike most of the class. Sure, he had figured out long ago that she was beautiful, but he never thought it was love. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why hadn’t he noticed it all through middle school, when Bryce mercilessly teased the both of them about it. “Damn,” he thought, “I hate it when Bryce is right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And why had he not realised it in high school, when he spent all his savings he earned over countless summers to replace the bracelets that she lost? When instead of bullying her, Derek Reagan started flirting with her, which made Ethan so angry when he saw it happen, but ecstatic when she turned him down in front of the whole school, citing all the times he had bullied and picked on her. Friends don’t do that for each other. But she was more than just a friend, wasn’t she? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ethan should’ve known when he followed her 370 miles away from their hometown just to be at the same med school as her. Sure, it was a great school, but that wasn’t the reason he was there. He was there for her. You don’t just do that for a friend you like or even have a crush on. No, he loved her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was quite ridiculous, really. How had she gotten him wrapped around her finger, and without him even realising for so many years? Ethan knew he was helpless to her charms, he would do anything she wanted him to do, he would’ve followed her to the ends of the earth if she had asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But did she know? That was the thought that circled around his head during sleepless nights as he tossed and turned in his bed. Did she know how weak she made him? How helpless he was when it came to anything that had to do with her? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He quickly decided that she couldn’t have known. She wouldn’t have let him spend all his birthday money and savings on her, let him follow her to med school, let him torture himself all these years if she knew it was all for her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Nine</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s how many apartment listings she had to choose from. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sat in the coffee shop near the hospital reading over the listings. Now that they had started their residency, Grace had been matched with another hospital and moved in with fellow interns there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This one was too expensive, that one would be too loud. She had no idea which one to choose. And to add to her troubles, she had no roommate. There was no way she could find a reasonable place in downtown Boston without a roommate, it was impossible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s when Ethan walked through the door, his hair combed to perfection as usual. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ethan, thank god you’re here. Come help me pick out an apartment,” she pleaded, showing him pictures of all the listings.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shrugged his jacket off as he sat down next to her, inhaling the comforting scent of hers he had grown to love over all these years that wafted through the air. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This one looks nice,” he pointed to one of the listings, “barely a block away from the hospital, great lighting, tons of restaurants around, and the rent would be affordable for two people.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, it’s perfect but I can’t afford it,” Ethan frowned and looked up at her in confusion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She let out a defeated sigh, “I haven’t found a roommate yet, and there’s no way I can afford that place all on my own,” she admitted and turned back to the other listings in search of a cheaper place, the frown still evident on her face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll be your roommate,” he mentally cursed himself the second those words escaped from his mouth. He had just offered to be roommates with his best friend who he just happened to be hopelessly in love with. What could possibly go wrong? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His regrets immediately ceased to exist when her face lit up, full of delight. She threw her arms around gratefully, hugging him as tightly as she could, and he knew every single moment would be worth it for her, “thank you so much, Eef!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><strong>Ten</strong> </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s the number of times he had tried to tell her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first time was when she came home after a bad day. It was pouring rain outside, and she had walked in completely drenched and in a mess of tears. After many attempts on Ethan’s part to try to get her to tell him what was wrong, he eventually gave up and stuck to comforting her instead. As she cried, soaking his clothes with not only her tears but the rain her clothes and hair had absorbed on the way in, he wanted nothing more than to tell her how much he loved her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then there was the time she convinced him to bake a cake together on their day off. He had accidentally gotten cake batter on her nose, and she laughed as smeared some across his face, which resulted in a war using their leftover ingredients still on the counter. He never thought she was more beautiful than she was right there, and was tempted to risk it all. But he never did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The third time was over the phone, he had gone home but she was still at Edenbrook, filling in patient charts when he received a call from her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Ethan.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, what’s the call for?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her voice was momentarily shaky on the other end, it made his heart rate go up significantly, “I just wanted to tell you...hi,” was what she said after a long pause. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You called just to say hi?” he laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. I gotta go now, bye,” she hung up before he had a chance to respond.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next time was when they watched a movie. “Maybe a romantic movie would help,” he thought to himself as he loaded up The Fault In Our Stars. He was wrong. The movie only made her cry again, and he couldn’t bring himself to tell her then. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next time, he was determined to finally do it. He stopped by the florist on the way home, picking up a bouquet of her favourite flowers, bougainvilleas. He even rehearsed the exact words he was going to say when he professed his love to her while walking back. But when he opened the door only to be met with her wearing a stunning blue sundress that left him was speechless. Only she had that effect on him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sixth time was in the middle of the night, around 1 am. Ethan couldn’t sleep, his head was clouded with thoughts of her and her alone. He convinced himself he was going to tell her. Yes, he was going to march into her room and tell her. He got up to tell her, but instead heard her throwing up when he approached the door. He spent the rest of the night comforting her and making sure she was okay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then he decided he couldn’t do it himself. He called up Sienna, who had long since figured out who Ethan was in love with. Sienna actually laughed when he had asked her to tell her on his behalf. She thought it was a joke. When she realised he was being serious, her lighthearted behavior dissolved, instead, she firmly told him that he had to do it himself, and promptly hung up the phone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eighth time’s the charm, right? Wrong. He thought of writing a letter, “it’s easier this way,” he thought. All he had to do was write his feelings down on a piece of paper and hand her the letter, easy. He then realised that it was far too impersonal. He knew her, hell, he spent more than half his life with her. And that’s why he knew that if he ever did it, she’d want to hear it in person from him directly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then he tried to tell her as they walked back from Edenbrook after a long shift. It was a typical Boston day, and Ethan decided there was no time like the present to tell her. He had every intention to tell her, he really did. But she received an important phone call that she needed to take just as he was about to open his mouth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, he decided that he had had enough. He wasn’t going to let anything come between his plans to tell her the truth for a second longer than he needed to. He planned a delightful picnic for the both of them. They headed to a nearby park that she loved on a cool but sunny day, it was a perfect day. And that was what stopped him from telling her this time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were having so much fun, what if by telling her the truth, he ruined the day. What if he ruined their entire friendship, years worth of time spent together wasted and down the drain all because he was so selfish? What if she didn’t reciprocate his feelings, and that was the last good memory of her that he had? He gave up trying to tell her after that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Eleven</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s how many times she tried to tell him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first time was immediately after she found out. It was a shocking discovery, and she was lost as to what to do with the new information. It didn’t exactly help that it had been an awful day. On her way back to the apartment, it started to rain heavily. A terrible end to a terrible day, really. When she finally made it indoors, she instantly fell into his arms. She knew she could’ve told him there, but she didn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She decided that they needed to be doing something more fun and lighthearted, so she suggested baking, and was surprised when he actually agreed. But seeing him there, covered in cake batter, who knows how much flour, and grinning at her, she wanted to keep this memory.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After feeling guilty for not telling him that day, she called him while taking a break from charts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Ethan,” she said, building herself up to finally tell him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, what’s the call for?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her voice quivered, the nerves building up, “I just wanted to tell you,” she decided it was too much, she’d tell him another time, “...hi.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘You called just to say hi?” she heard his laugh on the other end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She closed her eyes tightly, embarrassed, “yeah. I gotta go now, bye,” she hung up as quickly as she could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next time she tried to tell him was during movie night, but the bastard just </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to pick The Fault In Our Stars. Since when did Ethan even start voluntarily watching romantic movies anyway? And he couldn’t have picked any other movie. She spent a good part of the rest of the night cursing the tears that choked back all the words she wanted to say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then she was going to tell him when he got back to the apartment. She spent so long in the bathroom practicing what she was going to say to him in the mirror. Time and time again, pacing in her favourite blue sundress to calm her nerves as she recited the words back to herself. But then he showed up with a bouquet of her favorite flowers. He had always been so sweet like that to her. She really didn’t deserve him, and she hated herself for not telling her then. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At 1 in the morning, she felt sick to her stomach, and rushed into her bathroom. She threw up all of her dinner from hours before, no doubt looking awful while doing so. Then Ethan showed up and spent the entire night comforting her. She knew she could’ve ended her own torture right then and there, and she was planning to. Up until she fell asleep on his shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe she didn’t have to be the one to tell him? And so she drove an hour back to Providence to see her mom, seeking advice. There must’ve been a better way to tell him, a way that wouldn’t be putting her through so much agony. Her mom only hugged her tightly. She told her that she was the only one who could make the decision to tell him and wished her the best of luck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sat at her desk and attempted to write a letter, but how could you write someone a letter to tell them about such a subject? There was no way words on a piece of paper could explain how she felt. It wasn’t fair to Ethan, it had to be done in person.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then there was the time they were walking back home from the hospital. She would’ve told him there, she should’ve told him there, but she didn’t. Instead, she received a phone call. She knew exactly what the call would be about even before she tapped the ‘answer’ icon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next was the time he set up a picnic for the both of them. It was a perfect day, it was the perfect time to tell him, but that was the moment she realised she loved him. She just wasn’t willing to stain the moment she realised she loved her best friend with her horrible news. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, there was the time she actually told him the truth. It was cold, but she asked him to go up to the rooftop with her. He agreed, and they made their way up to the empty rooftop garden. They stood in silence as they looked out at the city around them, the city lights glittering like diamonds in the dark, or shooting stars in the night sky. Ethan tried to tell her first.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love</span>
  <span>—</span>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ethan, I’m dying.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><strong>Twelve</strong> </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s how many months are in a year. That’s how many inches are in a foot. That’s how many signs there are in the zodiac. That’s how many days of Christmas there are.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>how many malignant tumours she had, Ethan refused to believe it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, as he soon learned, that there were most likely </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>than 12 tumours in the woman he grew up with, the woman he loves, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the woman who had much less than a lifetime to live. There were twelve tumours over a </span>
  <em>
    <span>month </span>
  </em>
  <span>ago, and she hadn’t told him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was so caught up in his own feelings that he didn’t know his best friend had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It was needless to say he felt like absolute shit. She had end-stage cancer and he, a doctor, couldn’t do a single fucking thing about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He waited until he was out of her sight before he let all his emotions out, he asked her if she could go back in the apartment and leave him on the roof to process what had happened, she did. He knew all about pancreatic cancer, he knew that the symptoms usually don’t show up until it was too late,  he knew that it would’ve already spread all across her body. Yet, it didn’t stop him from completely breaking down after she went back down. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sobbed, he sobbed until all the tears were gone, then he shouted, he shouted at the night sky, shouting at every being up there, screaming at them, asking how they could possibly curse the most perfect person in the world with an untreatable tumour. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once he was done, once his tear ducts were dry and his throat was hoarse, he returned to the apartment, his eyes red and his throat sore. He quietly crept into her room, seeing those teary eyes of hers that broke his heart, that made every cell in his body hurt and scream. He wordlessly climbed into her bed and wrapped his arms around her. That was how they spent the rest of the night, him silently holding her in his arms, not willing to ever let go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She fell asleep fast, she was tired, she was always tired nowadays. He was the opposite, his mind racing. He spent the entire night hating himself for not realising sooner, for missing all the clues. All the clues that were right in front of his face this whole time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He remembered the first time he tried to tell her when she came home upset, was that when she learned the news? He thought about how she reacted to the movie they watched, he finally realised why she was crying so much more. Then there was the night she threw up, he cursed himself for missing that. It had been so obvious. But he hated himself the most for not spending all his time with her when he had the chance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now as he sat in the hospital room, his head in his hands as she slept soundly, all he could do was wait. Wait for the cancer to take her from her friends, her family, from him. That’s all he could do now, wait. Ethan had been in the hospital for a week now, she’d wanted to be at Edenbrook so that he could see her during his breaks, but he hadn’t worked since the day he found out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He only went back to their apartment to take a shower every now and then, and even then he sprinted to and fro. They didn’t know when her time would be up, it could be hours, days, weeks, or even months. And he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be around when she ran out of time, he would hate himself even more if he wasn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had called all of their friends, and they all took turns showing up at her room to see her. Bryce showed up with a gigantic stuffed teddy bear that didn’t fail to make her laugh. Jackie came with a million stories about her horrible intern, attendings, and patients alike. Sienna came in everyday bearing fresh home-cooked food for her. </span>
</p>
<p>His dad and her mom showed up most days too, providing words of encouragement for not only her, but him as well. They both figured out one way or another how he felt about her, and they knew how hard it was for him. </p>
<p>
  <span>Ethan was always at the hospital, but limited the time he spent in her room. He couldn’t stand being at her bedside, watching her groan and moan in pain as he was completely fine. Everything just felt too real for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doctor Ramsey, she’s asking for you,” a nurse said. He looked up and nodded. His feet felt heavy, like they were made of bricks as he approached her room. He pushed the door open, and his heart dropped at the sight before him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was staring back at him, her eyes hadn’t changed a single bit. The rest of her didn’t share the same fate as her eyes. She was thinner, her face pale and gaunt, she looked exhausted. The hospital gown looked as if it was wearing her, and not the other way around. And despite all of that, she was still beautiful in his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” she said in a whispered tone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pressed his lips together, choking back the tears that were beginning to form. He couldn’t handle this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look awful,” she teased, which earned a pitiful laugh from him as he wiped the sides of his eyes where tears were moments away from falling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She moved to one side of the hospital bed to make room for him. He hesitated for a moment, afraid that he would hurt her some way, but he eventually laid down beside her. Her frail frame clung to him, and he felt the dreadfully familiar feeling of her tears staining his shirt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so scared, Eef,” her use of the enchanting nickname she gave him that he wholeheartedly loved made the tears fall from his eyes as he closed them tightly, holding back a sob.   </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t know what to say, he couldn’t find the right words, so he just hugged her as tightly as he could without hurting her and pressed his lips against her forehead. After all, what were you supposed to say to someone whose life you would trade your own with when they're dying? </span>
</p>
<p>Was he supposed to lie and say “everything’s going to be okay?” He wouldn’t, he couldn’t bring himself to lie to her any longer after all the wasted time he spent lying about his true feelings. No, he would hold her. He would hold her and love her until he couldn’t love her anymore. </p>
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